When too much becomes too much

Of late, quite a few things have reached the  size of “too much”. My initial response is usually to retreat. Then, to stay quiet. However, if there be more pressure and pushing, I may just jump ship, figuratively and literally.

 

Yet, in one specific aspect, I will fight back as I face it squarely. It has been something I think I managed to keep at bay. To be able to do this for 14 years is no small feat. It took the whole of me till the point that I do not know myself anymore. I choose to write this post today to record down the beginning of this journey of finding myself again.

 

To live is to be responsible. Vice-versa.

久而久之

久而久之，选择了独自步行。

久而久之，很多周边的事也已经无所谓了。

久而久之，慢慢的会去想这一切到底有没有目的地。

久而久之，渐渐的会认为，对其他人，这是无关痛痒的。

久而久之，我也试着拥抱宁静。

久而久之，有种想法，早也未必是可惜的。

久而久之，鼓起勇气继续走下去，那是需要坚定力的。

当自己的力量以用尽了，就得记得靠天父，祂决定的才算。

 

 

对她来说

对她来说，也许在众人眼里坚强的她是有足够的力量忍耐一切。

对她来说，也许朋友向她看齐，都把她当诸葛亮或情感投诉站的知音。但他们有没有问过她是否也需要他们的聆听。

对她来说，也许就算是面对着最亲的最爱，一个自称会爱她一生一世的男人，也是如此？就算他有问过她：“你还好吗？” 她也许觉察到他没有那心理准备系听她或许会说出的困扰与忧绪。也许在她眼里，她认为他放在她身上的心思，集中力与时间已经与往日不同。已经有好几年了，他们轮流照顾小孩。她与她自己的姐妹相约，他与他的兄弟会面，各有各的节目。也许她告诉自己等孩子独立了就会比较好了。(这只是凭我对她的了解，观察与猜测凭空想象出来的。）

对她来说，也许她凭自己的意志力可以战胜那居住在脑里与心里的魔。怎么说一年复一年还不是胜利了？还好好活着？

可是终于有一年，不知道你自己有没有觉察到，你的思绪开始有频繁般的忧乱。你已开始慢慢失控。那心理战越来越难战胜。

最终，你选择放弃。换一个角度，你选择另一个释怀的方式。那举止需要很大的勇气。你走了，带走了很多云彩。你也带走了孩子一大部分的权利—- 一个被母亲疼爱的权利。你走了，也让你身边所有爱你，疼惜你的人自责。包括我。

40 years

I have lived 40 years on this earth by the Grace of God.

I had the privilege to live through a childhood and a young adulthood. The length of days we have on earth should not be thought as a given and taken for granted.

The very breath we take every second is God given. He gives life. He also decides when our days on earth are up. No one knows if he has another day, year or decade. We can only be prudent and plan as though we have the usual life expectancy.

That said, I had lived 40 years. Maybe, I will have another 40 years? I do not know.

My first 18 years were used as a student. 8 years were spent as a preschool educator and tutor. 14 years as a full time mother and part time teacher.

I know that should I only have one child, my life will be different. Should I not have a special needs second child, my life will also be different.

After I had given birth to Zoe, I thought that it would be ideal that I raise her personally till she enters preschool. Zane came along within 2 years and so I thought I would extend two more years for Zane’s sake. I thought 4-5 years as a full-time mom is already way too long to be away from the Preschool industry. I was doing very well at PPH back then and was the next in line to take over my Principal when she retired. I had plans to do my Early Childhood Diploma (a prerequisite), Degree and Masters. I wanted to be a professional in this field. I wanted to be a Principal and subsequently lectures and trains preschool educators. I thought I could get back on track after I have “settled” my young children.

My world changed and turned upside down. With my decade of training in preschool education, I cannot defeat autism. I cannot overcome the challenges which surfaced. I cannot cure my son despite all the therapies, early intervention programs and my full-time attention for him. I was defeated. I felt useless that I could not make my very own son normal when I could train classes afer classes of K2s in academic and character excellence.

I doubted my capabilities as a person. Yet, at the same time, I could not relinquish my mother’s role to a live in foreigner and get back to the working world. I cannot bring myself to do it. I was stuck. I chose to walk on for the elder child’s sake.

We walked and walked. Years passed. She has completed her primary education. I feel that my job is done. I am now 40. I am looking at my life again. We are still not taking in a domestic helper.

I am going back to school in 2014 ! I am accepted by UniSim to do my Degree. I have chosen not to do Early Childhood. Why? Many reasons behind this decision actually.

14 years as a stay home mom is enough.

I want my life back. I want to live again.

Thank You, God. Thank you, hubby for your support and encouragement. I will be brave and go through the next 4 years as a student with confidence.

This Christmas I will be shopping for my own schooling stuffs! yes !

 

 

Reaching 11 years

Next week, Zane will be turning 11. 11 long years. 11 years of challenges and grit. 11 years which I do not like to look back.

This year, I had a few calls from people in the Special Education (Autism, to be specific) to do a video on my journey with Zane as his mother for the purpose of raising awareness to those not in the field and the training of new staff. I declined the invitation. The road is just too painful to walk through again.

The first scene which flashed through my mind about the early years of raising Zane was me squatting at the wall under the living room’s windows, with a pail of soap water and a few rags, cleaning the poo off the walls, crying loudly in anger. I easily washed the wall 10 over times. My hands were red and sore when I finally calmed down. I did not spank Zane. If he is a normal child, he would not do that. I continued my life watching him like a hawk, even when he was sleeping. He created a lot of mess for me to clean when he was very young. Once he poured a whole big bottle of cooking oil all over my kitchen. Another time, two bottles of Johnson’s baby powder all over the floor. Those days were marked with anguish, desperation and hopelessness. I cried a lot those days. I hated living then.

When Zane was turning 7, in the year 2008, July, we stepped foot into church again. We went upon the invitation of Zane’s schoolmate’s mom. This church runs a Sunday School Class for Special Needs children and their parents can attend the service in peace. We left Zane to a lady who assured us she would be able to calm the hysterical child with autism. That Sunday, I met my Abba again. He told me that He knows. He told me that I am not alone and I have Him.

5 years on since 2008 marks 5 years of God’s Grace. With His Grace, it is much better and different. My lens were not dark anymore. From hopelessness, I began to see at first, just a ray of hope, till today, a whole spectrum of light with the colours. His Promises are enough to carry me through daily.

As I look back now, the Zane at 11 years old is easier to manage. He has grown in stature and in the favour with God and man. In his life, I see Grace.

Among my 3 children, this child has taught me the best and deepest lessons about life and living, not in the conventional way, in fact I can say in a very painful way but I am who I am now because of Zane and the Grace of God in his life.

There are many more 11 years to come. He will be a child under my roof till death do us part. Even that day comes, I believe he will live a dignified and independent life. He is blessed to have loving siblings who can watch over him. Now is the time to continue to strengthen and foster the siblings’ relationships further.

Love needs deposits.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love never fails.

Amen.