When too much becomes too much

Of late, quite a few things have reached the  size of “too much”. My initial response is usually to retreat. Then, to stay quiet. However, if there be more pressure and pushing, I may just jump ship, figuratively and literally.

 

Yet, in one specific aspect, I will fight back as I face it squarely. It has been something I think I managed to keep at bay. To be able to do this for 14 years is no small feat. It took the whole of me till the point that I do not know myself anymore. I choose to write this post today to record down the beginning of this journey of finding myself again.

 

To live is to be responsible. Vice-versa.

久而久之

久而久之，选择了独自步行。

久而久之，很多周边的事也已经无所谓了。

久而久之，慢慢的会去想这一切到底有没有目的地。

久而久之，渐渐的会认为，对其他人，这是无关痛痒的。

久而久之，我也试着拥抱宁静。

久而久之，有种想法，早也未必是可惜的。

久而久之，鼓起勇气继续走下去，那是需要坚定力的。

当自己的力量以用尽了，就得记得靠天父，祂决定的才算。

 

 

对她来说

对她来说，也许在众人眼里坚强的她是有足够的力量忍耐一切。

对她来说，也许朋友向她看齐，都把她当诸葛亮或情感投诉站的知音。但他们有没有问过她是否也需要他们的聆听。

对她来说，也许就算是面对着最亲的最爱，一个自称会爱她一生一世的男人，也是如此？就算他有问过她：“你还好吗？” 她也许觉察到他没有那心理准备系听她或许会说出的困扰与忧绪。也许在她眼里，她认为他放在她身上的心思，集中力与时间已经与往日不同。已经有好几年了，他们轮流照顾小孩。她与她自己的姐妹相约，他与他的兄弟会面，各有各的节目。也许她告诉自己等孩子独立了就会比较好了。(这只是凭我对她的了解，观察与猜测凭空想象出来的。）

对她来说，也许她凭自己的意志力可以战胜那居住在脑里与心里的魔。怎么说一年复一年还不是胜利了？还好好活着？

可是终于有一年，不知道你自己有没有觉察到，你的思绪开始有频繁般的忧乱。你已开始慢慢失控。那心理战越来越难战胜。

最终，你选择放弃。换一个角度，你选择另一个释怀的方式。那举止需要很大的勇气。你走了，带走了很多云彩。你也带走了孩子一大部分的权利—- 一个被母亲疼爱的权利。你走了，也让你身边所有爱你，疼惜你的人自责。包括我。

One term ended

As far as I’m concerned, the term ended on 23 February for Zoe. After her CA1, it slowly sinks in that we are really going for our FIRST family overseas holiday. The furthest “overseas” trips we took were to Sentosa! Ha!

This will be the children’s very first plane ride. Took us so many years to fly again because Zane came along and he is special. Thus we have been unsure if he could take plane rides and foreign places, food and routines when he was younger. Then, Jeff came along. We waited till he is older and doesn’t need the stroller and be carried. For Zoe, it is her first trip as we can’t count that Bintan trip when she was 5 months old.

I’m at a loss where to start packing for 5 actually. Essentials first and then the add ons. God will help us.

Be with us, dear Lord Jesus! Cover us … Amen!

A time for everything

And the time has ended or ending .

When we cease making the effort to connect both ways, when what matters to me is just what you store at the back of your mind and the least of your priorities, I think it is time for me to stop pining and hoping and move on.

Busyness is a divider. Time is a factor. But I believe the main culprit is the absence of desire. I know this day will come since that day came.

Ironically , instead of being closer, the drift sets in, slowly, subtly but surely.

At this point in my life , I will just leave it and move on.

Wish you best in every aspect of your life. Shalom!

“Shalom, my friend, Shalom, my friend !
Shalom, Shalom!
May God be with you.
May God be with you.
Shalom, Shalom!”

Amen.